Crack Woman

“Mister! Help me!” exclaimed a short, slender, blonde, mid 50’s, crazy-red-eyed woman as she ran up to me.

In another lifetime (when I was younger) I use to work for a family-oriented, retail technology store. I was “zoned” at the front door or the “greeter” as some people call it (if you have ever worked in retail you know all these terms…and if you haven’t worked retail…fuck you). It was the holiday season on a Saturday so the store was buzzing with shoppers trying to complete their wish list and get the hell out of there as fast as they could. I was doing my greeter ninja work, (because heaven forbid you let someone in the store without saying hi and letting them know about the sales going on…ask anyone who has ever worked in retail about that) very hectic as this woman came in dressed like she wasn’t on heroin screamed “Help!” The second I looked in her eyes and saw that they were glazed over and rolling in the back of her head I could tell this was going to be a great interaction.

“What can I do for you today?” I said giving her my FULL and undivided attention. I needed to know everything that was going to come out of her yellow toothed, cracked lipped, foam at the corners mouth. It was just her and I, the rest of the world was blacked out to me, I mean, how often do you get to interact with a real life drug addict? (She looked so normal from afar but damn…when she was close…you could tell she loved meth). “There’s something wrong with my smartphone!” she was yelling to a store full of well-fed, rosy-cheeked, untainted nuclear families shopping for their new technology. “May I see it?” I said completely playing into her craziness. I examined the phone to find out that the battery wasn’t in it, it had a cracked screen and it smelled like piss. I think she may have found this “phone” underneath a bridge on I-95. During my investigation of her phone she talks to herself, tells me she has been up for 3 days, and loves the band BuckCherry…which I am listening to trying not to laugh. Playing into her insanity further I said “hmm, looks fine to me but if you don’t mind can you tell me what else is going wrong here?” as she responded with “Sure can!” without skipping a beat as I smiled with delight in knowing that I was about to be told the magical story of this phone and it’s owners journey to me at the front of this store.

“It’s my god-damn boyfriend!” she tells me as I nod with my hand on my chin and arm around my chest agreeing with her “He is accessing my smartphone from jail! (Of course her boyfriend is in jail is all I thought…why wouldn’t this woman have a jailed boyfriend?) He is hacking in and making me go to BOOBIE WEBSITES!” She YELLS in the front of the store as parents hide their children’s faces from her and I’s direction. Everyone in the store is slowly but surely starting to acknowledge this interaction (and I want to believe they are as excited as I am to see what’s going to happen). “Oh No…Oh Jeez…We can’t have that…” I say as she continues “Yeah! Damn right! He is making my phone go to or something like that and I don’t want to go there!” Continuing to YELL as parents are starting to take their families from the store “I see, yeah that’s no good, we can’t have that…go on.” I say with assurance as she goes on  “I would never go to!” She states with confidence as I reply with “Uh huh…continue…” “If anything I would go to! That’s the site I’d be on if I was searching for porn-o!” She YELLS some more and flails her arms around to help make her point…or lack there of. “Oh my my!” I say as sarcastically-serious as I can muster without my cheeks turning red or laughing in this crack addicts face. “Miss I am going to go talk to my manager (call the cops) and see if there is anything we can do for you, stay right here.” “That is no problems son. Let me tell you something else, don’t ever get messed up with anyone that loves cocaine.” (Where this was coming from… I have no idea…but I love it) I was about to leave this interaction but she sucked me right back in and my full and undivided attention was all on her…again. “Oh? Is that right?” I respond as she launches into another problem she has “Yeah you’re damn straight! I ain’t no coke addict but I have been known to do a “bump” every now and then…” My mind is on fire, this is gold…I never want this conversation to end. “…But these damn coke fiends…” she continues “…They just love it!” as she flails her arms some more like a prehistoric bird to make her point “I mean if I buy all the coke…shouldn’t I be able to at least BLOW A LINE?!” she flails and screams some more as I respond with “Makes sense to me…if you buy the candy bar…shouldn’t you be able to eat it?” I say definitively “My point exactly.” she agrees “I don’t want to hold you up…go see if you can fix my phone.” She dismisses me.

I thank her for her time and tell her I am going to see if there is anything I can do while rushing to the back of the store grabbing any co-worker I can. When I reach the back with some of my fellow employees I tell them the story and that this woman is still in the store. After a few minutes of rolling on the ground laughing they tell me I have to get her out before she causes anymore of a scene. I compose myself and head back to the front of the store where she is. “Ma’am” she turns to me and almost trips, lazily, over a parent with a stroller, “I checked your phone out with some of my co-workers and everything seems to be fine. The only thing I can tell you to do is go to the police and file a report if you think your boyfriend is hacking into your phone.” She stares at the phone I am holding (I think…either that or her heart stopped for a minute from overdose). When she snaps back to reality from her crack daydream she blurts out “I already been to the cops! Wanna know what they said?!” “I would LOVE to hear what they had to say” I respond. “They told me to take a nap!”

Shortly after this conversation she left and I went back to work. It’s the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I have no idea where she is today but I hope this woman is still out there making others as happy as I was to meet her. Crack woman taught me something that day that I will never forget. If you buy the blow, you should be able to do a line or 2.




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My friends and I make short films sometimes, please watch this short (under 4 min) film and let me know what you think!

Thanks for watching and pass along!


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Why are people so dramatic?

Everyday I ask people at work, the gas station, or Wawa how they are and their response is always “Same shit different day” or “Just one of those days” as they sigh and shake their heads. It’s like damn? Is your life really that bad? People, in this world of negativity and “shit gone wrong/economic crisis” I understand that it becomes easy to blame everything that makes your life suck on something but for the love of shit, just smile. It could be way worst. I could cut the negativity around here with a damn knife. You woke up this morning right? You breathing? You have clothes and a meal? Good. Because a lot of people don’t so chill out, take a big free breathe and be thankful.

I hope I can pick this sweet original shirt up from a Wildwood boardwalk vendor.

You don’t want to look like this cat do you?






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Social Networking Gone Wrong

“…and then she had to pull the baseball bat out of her ass!”- Common end to a story told by my friends to disgust one another and see who can take a joke the furthest.

“Well. I guess I won’t be jacking off tonight.” I text to my friends after sending them a screen shot. I had been searching through some HD mobile porn (gotta do what you gotta do) and actually came across a video of a girl with a bat in her ass (like that is hard to do…go to any porn site and I swear to shit these sites want to gross you out before you enter…either that or people are into some crazy shit that I have no idea about). Switching emotions from erotic to humor in .2 milliseconds I immediately took a screen shot and sent it to my friends. Needless to say I was not very turned on after I saw a man jam a Louisville Slugger into some girls ass as fast and as hard as he could. (does anyone else’s circle of friends have this insanely disgusting sense of humor?)

Switching tracks and getting to the point of this blog (stick with me this will make sense in a minute…) I recently took up painting (…and how does this relate?) and to a lesser extent stenciling just as a hobby or for drunken fun when I find myself with nothing to do (which is almost never). I don’t know many people who paint or consider themselves “artist” (which I definitely do not consider myself an artist) so when I come across someone who has a similar interest it is exciting to show off work that we have both done (isn’t it amazing how it seems everyone owns an IPhone… and has everything they need on it…from resumes to pictures to social networking to banking information…So wild). As this person went on about their art and showing me pictures on her IPhone of what she does I decided to pull out my phone and show her some pictures of the art I had been doing (you know where this is going yet?). I scrolled through my camera roll and showed her some art. She actually like it (either that or was just being really nice…which is probably the case). After a few minutes of building up some really positive morale with this nearly 50-year-old woman (who I found out owned an art studio and was very successful at what she does) and discussing techniques and different ways of accomplishing the things we were doing with our art I decided to keep going through my camera roll to show her a few more works.

After one or two more photos of my art I kept scrolling and scrolling…then came across a screen shot of a girl with a baseball bat in her ass. Damn; and like that…morale broken. “Oh. My.” she said with such genuine disgust (and I really cant blame her. She thought she was going to see some more art, not a gaping baseball bat ass) I tried to scroll as fast as I could and delete it…while trying to brush it off nonchalantly like there wasn’t a photo of a girl with a bat in her ass in my camera roll.

My new acquaintance did not stick around much longer and obviously any networking or rapport that we had built was completely depleted. Oh well, fuck it. I think it’s hilarious.





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“Holy shit! What happened to your hand?!”

I bumped into a recent acquaintance of mine the other day and after a few minutes of chitchat I went to give him a fist bump and continue on with my day. I had never noticed before but every time he gives someone a high-five or a pound he uses his right hand but this time he used his left. As our fist’s bumped I noticed his left hand was completely swollen and looked like he had either been in a fight 5 minutes before or had just punched his hand through a wall. Being a concerned person (by yelling “Holy shit! What happened to your hand! Did you get in a fight? Let me help you!” and causing a scene in the middle of the mall) I wanted to make sure he was okay.

He informed me, quietly, that it was “Kawasaki” disease and that he was really shy about it. “I usually use my right hand all the time so no one can see my left.” He said and looked away visibly upset; then turned back and tried to put on a smile and said “Catch you later man.” As he was walking away.

Now, this is why I am writing this blog…I obviously feel like shit. I just stood there for a minute and tried to comprehend what just happened and if I just really hurt someone’s feelings…I feel fucking awful… but should I? I was genuinely concerned for this dudes well-being and wanted to make sure he was all right.

Guidance? Concerns? Comments? Please.




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Have some breakfast…

Do you have kids?

I don’t. If I did I sure as shit would not give them cheetos and a 20oz. Pepsi for breakfast at 8:30am. What the hell is going on with the world? You wonder why people have so many avoidable deceases and obesity? I said it once and I’ll say it again. You need to take a test and pass it to drive a car…but any 2 complete and total morons can fornicate and bring, another, awful human onto the planet.


I don’t mean to stand on a soapbox here but…it’s my blog.


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The Adventures of Janitor John…quick update.

This morning, to add to the mysterious hero-legend Janitor John is becoming, I arrived to work on this foggy dawn. As I pulled up to the only grassy round-about in the parking lot, there, out of the murky, grey fog appeared a shadow-like silhouette. As I crept closer to the apparition it was Janitor John, smoke in one hand, drill in the other. As I passed him I heard him shout “What’s up kid? Get any this weekend?” and he laughed to himself and I parked my car to start my work week.

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