HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

Why are people so dramatic?

Everyday I ask people at work, the gas station, or Wawa how they are and their response is always “Same shit different day” or “Just one of those days” as they sigh and shake their heads. It’s like damn? Is your life really that bad? People, in this world of negativity and “shit gone wrong/economic crisis” I understand that it becomes easy to blame everything that makes your life suck on something but for the love of shit, just smile. It could be way worst. I could cut the negativity around here with a damn knife. You woke up this morning right? You breathing? You have clothes and a meal? Good. Because a lot of people don’t so chill out, take a big free breathe and be thankful.

I hope I can pick this sweet original shirt up from a Wildwood boardwalk vendor.

You don’t want to look like this cat do you?

 

 

 

Thoughts?

Have some breakfast…

Do you have kids?

I don’t. If I did I sure as shit would not give them cheetos and a 20oz. Pepsi for breakfast at 8:30am. What the hell is going on with the world? You wonder why people have so many avoidable deceases and obesity? I said it once and I’ll say it again. You need to take a test and pass it to drive a car…but any 2 complete and total morons can fornicate and bring, another, awful human onto the planet.

Reality.

I don’t mean to stand on a soapbox here but…it’s my blog.

Thoughts?

The Adventures of Janitor John…quick update.

This morning, to add to the mysterious hero-legend Janitor John is becoming, I arrived to work on this foggy dawn. As I pulled up to the only grassy round-about in the parking lot, there, out of the murky, grey fog appeared a shadow-like silhouette. As I crept closer to the apparition it was Janitor John, smoke in one hand, drill in the other. As I passed him I heard him shout “What’s up kid? Get any this weekend?” and he laughed to himself and I parked my car to start my work week.

The Gardening Magician and The Gardening Sensai

This past weekend I attended two different family-type functions with Jamie. When we arrived (late) to the first party for a graduation from 8th grade I noticed a row of raised gardens surrounding the backyard. Well, actually, that’s not true…first I got a beer and a plate of Mexican food…but shortly after I noticed the gardens (and honestly I think Jamie may have noticed them and brought them to my attention…).

Our host and mother of the new graduate is a seasoned veteran of the art of gardening. The presentation and overall vibe of this mini-farm she had blown mine out of the water. Her plants were huge and everything looked so green, with rich dark soil and leaves so tropically lush. I am a first time gardener and will admit I still have a lot to learn so I invited the host to come sit with us and share all she knew about gardening. “Gardening” must have been her special password (we all have one right?) because the second I said it this lady launched into books to read, types and styles of gardening, types of gardening defenses against pesky backyard crop bandits (bastard squirrels, rabbits, birds, alley cats, bums…), different soils and for what purpose, composting and Lord knows what else she said that I didn’t understand. She was so good I bet she could have grown a tomato from seed to plate in the amount of time it took me to get another beer, she was a gardening magician.  I swear I though I even saw her pulling fresh basil and peppers from behind people’s ears. After another round or two (or 4) Jamie and I’s brains were soaked with the knowledge that our gardening magician had given us so we decided it was time to head to the next party of the night.

My friend’s father has been gardening for 20 plus years; he is a gardening guru. Before I even thought of starting a garden (2007-2010) he would take us out back to show us things we didn’t care about and some special new shovel or the different row patterns he had chosen for this year’s plantation. It was I who came to him this year though and once again “gardening” was his special password too (gardener’s all share the same mind…we get really pumped when someone wants to see or talk about our gardens). This man was no gardening magician though; he was a garden ninja (really my friend Chris’ dad is some high black belt or some shit and is the most disciplined dude I know)(Chris told me a story one time about how his dad ran 26 miles through Philadelphia and then spent 6 hours in a bamboo stick fight after…I think against a robot sent back through time?…all before 3 hours of meditation!). Chris’ dad’s garden was a little messier than our gardening magicians mini-farm but there is no wrong way to do it. Chris’s dad just hasn’t had time to keep his as nice as he wanted it but the dude has corn growing in his backyard next to his pool (that’s pretty damn awesome…and Chris sent me a picture of his dad building a separate raised box for broccoli this morning).

I don’t know why but there is just something about taking a seed and turning that into something you can eat or use in your food. My garden is about to yield its first tomatoes, peppers and if we are lucky…pumpkins! So here’s to turning family parties and graduations into a gardening underground network of awesome people!

 

 

Cheers!

 

 

Final letter to my class…

I erased all of my students names for obvious reasons but hey, let me know what you think! Remember these kids are 5.

“If you put your mind to it; you can accomplish anything.” – Dr. Emmett L Brown

The time for graduation is once again upon us. Except now it will be my class graduating. I cannot believe how fast this day came. It seems like yesterday that The P Class was being introduced to numbers and letters. Now D, A, R, J, S, M, A and K are writing complex sentence; M, E and J are doing subtraction while Z, K and M read me their first books.

As we all move forward with life we will find out it is full of ups and downs, positives and negatives. While doors close as others open we will look back on the time spent here very fondly. A’s has provided a monumental foundation for each of its graduating students; and I hope that I have done nothing less than enhance that experience. I look forward to a future where I meet one of the 2011 graduates from my class and shake hands with an astronaut, writer, police officer, politician, lawyer, doctor etc. All of my students have shown the potential to do amazing things and I want them to never forget that. Constantly remind them that they can do anything. They all have it within them to change the world.

I will always remember the faces of all the students I have had the privilege to teach, (hopefully) inspire, and share something with. They are all amazing people and I can’t wait to see what they accomplish. Good luck with what the futures holds for you. You have the power to change the world. DO IT. I know you can. I have faith in every single one of you. Remember when life gets hard, stick it out, take a breath, and finish what you start.

Thank you class of 2011, you will always hold a special place in my heart and remember what I always told you…”Get Rad, Stay Rad…and wear a helmet!” and always live the dream.

Mr. Matthew Bates

Get Rad Stay Rad.

This is my final week of work with a company I have been with for two years.

I graduated from community college in 2009 with an Early Childhood Education degree while working full-time. I wanted to put my newly acquired degree, which I had paid for, to work but was having trouble finding a worthwhile offer. When I interviewed for my current position I was a bit skeptic. The school is in a predominantly African-American neighborhood and it is a bit nerve-racking stepping out of your comfort zones; and although I had been trained and taught how to teach young children it was a whole different experience jumping right into it. Luckily I felt very welcomed by my director and co-workers so it took no time at all to get settled in.

Through my two years teaching I have learned a lot about myself. Patience is definitely a virtue that I am still working on ever day (but when a 3-year-old calls you a “little bitch” or flips you off… its hard not to want to kick him in the head…metaphorically…).  The hurdles I have overcome will be with me for the rest of my life and have impacted the person I am becoming (I feel like fatherhood…if that ever happens…will be a breeze…I should probably knock-on-wood right now or remember I just said “fatherhood” and “breeze” in one sentence. Those words will more than likely come back to haunt me)

Life is full of up’s and downs (and B-sides), positives and negatives. While doors close as others open I will look back on the time spent here very fondly. There were great times (like Chris and I basically teaching and doing whatever we wanted…chicken nugget days will always hold a special place in my heart); there were also times I didn’t want to get out of my bed but these past two years have been… special, for lack of better words (Me d0n’t speak well). I will always remember the faces of all the students I have had the privilege to teach, (hopefully) inspire, and share something with.

Thanks ya’ll! Remember like Mr. Matt said “Get Rad, Stay Rad.”

Cheers!

The End?

Man, if the world ends tomorrow that would really suck.

This would be such an uneventful ending in my eyes. I don’t have anything to confess, or haven’t committed any mortal sins, or got in enough trouble yet. I don’t think I have learned that many lessons or accomplished enough. I am not saying I believe that the world is going to end but if it does, I will be obligated to recording a band in NJ. That’s no way to go out. How boring?

This new end that everyone has been talking about was just recently brought to my attention too, that’s not enough time to figure out how I want to stand at the end of the world! I was listening to Preston and Steve this morning as almost every Philadelphian called in with insanely unethical recollections of breaking laws or committing lewd acts that they wanted to confess (like banging their fiancés’ mom or holding up a liquor store or banging your bosses wife, having a kid with her and never telling him that it was not his child…and now that child is 6) and all I could muster up was “I can’t believe the only thing I’ve done is stole money from my mom for gas when I was 16…and cursed…a lot.” (Sorry mom).

Don’t get me wrong I don’t think I need to break laws or commit sins to lead a more fulfilling life; all I am saying is that I do not think the world is going to end tomorrow (well, I hope) and that I may have a chance to do some crazier shit before I stare Armageddon in the face (and call him a loser).

Who wants to be my get-a-way driver!?

Cheers!

Chin up. Chip up.

It’s okay to be confused.

Sometimes life gets really weird and you may not understand what’s going on. It’s a damn roller coaster. I am writing this on an emotional level right now, not happy, not sad, just complacent at the moment; so I feel this would be a great time to put this down in words before something great or horrible happens

Am I where I want to be right now? No. If it was up to me (which some people may argue that everything is up to you but those people are stupid. I am willing to take the chance I need to make something happen for myself, I have before and I will again but not if I don’t have a 100% great feeling about it) I’d be on tour right now in the biggest band on the planet with a minor modeling career and owning an estate…but hey; I am stoked to be alive, with a job, roof, food and great people surrounding me. Who knows what tomorrow brings. Opportunity? Maybe. Shit? Probably. The thing is that no matter what happens it could always be worst (and for anyone who knows my temperament; I constantly have to remind myself of this). You breathing? Did you eat today? If the answer is “yes” then you’re doing fine; stop trying to size yourself up to other people’s standards (once again, I have to tell myself this all the time, I really don’t know why I am writing this, probably not the best advice-giver…Oh well). Fuck them.

Cheers!

Wait! Did you see my new leather pants?

His eyes lit up. His feet moved fast; and he was jumping up and down in some sort of white guy “winning” or celebratory dance.

For as long as I can remember my dad had always been a bargain shopper and conservationist. He loves it, a hobby of his to figure out how he can get something he wants without paying the same price as everyone else. He taught me how to clip coupons, collect my change, turn out the lights when I leave a room and get every last drop of ketchup out of the bottle (Centrifugal Force). He is not cheap by any definition of the word but he does not believe in wasting. This particular bargain he had come across only increased the excitement because it tied in another one of my fathers great loves; beer.

Dad had been gone all afternoon. Jamie and I thought we had the house to ourselves and made a quick dinner. As we were about to pop the cork of our $6 wine and take our seats he came running into the dinning room, “You are not going to believe what I got!” Seeing the excitement in his face my thoughts went to, “Where or who would give him a stick of dynamite?” “Follow me out to the truck!” he yelled while sprinting to the door. I got up and followed shortly behind to see what he could have possibly bought that had to be dropped off by truck.

“It’s a KEGMEISTER!“ my dad exclaimed as his friend helped him unload the dyer-sized machine onto the street, my puzzlement growing into extreme excitement when I saw it (a kegmeister is a small refrigerator with a tap on it, you can have frosty, fresh beer from a keg at anytime with one of these bad boys around). The two of us carried the machine into the house (it was surprisingly light) and got right to work finding a suitable spot for it, in the middle of the dining room? Yes! I feel awful in retrospect for Jamie. We were about to have a cute night in but now she had to watch a glorified version of the scene from A Christmas Story (when Ralphie’s dad gets the leg lamp).

I asked my dad where he got the money to buy such an awesome piece of machinery. He told us that the night before he had a pretty good time and earned some extra cash winning at roulette (See Blog: Welcome To The Working Week…recklessness) and proceeded to take the following day off. Who doesn’t want to take Monday off after a heavy night of debauchery? He went to a bar with a friend of his the next day and while out the kegmeister caught his eye in the window of a local auction house. “Matt! It was barely used! And it was a steal!” he states matter-of-factly. He had the extra cash, knocked on the door, made an offer and came home with his trophy.

After the excitement died down and we figured out what keg we were going to consume first (Yuengling, of course) my dad had one more surprise for us. “Wait! Did you see my new leather pants!” as he ran to his room to show us his new favorite garment. Evidentially the beer fridge wasn’t the only thing that caught my dad’s eye at auction. Kegmeister and leather pants? What else could you want from life?

Cheers!

I Have Nightmares

For the last couple of weeks I have been suffering from nightmares. This has been a recurring trend in my life since I was a child. I have no idea why it happens but everyone once in a while, for an extended period of time, I will go weeks with little to no sleep. I was telling my friend Chris about one of my current sleepless nights and it seems that when I revisit one of my nightmares explained out loud they come off non-threatening or comedic (maybe I am just not a great story teller…hmm not something to tell an audience who is reading your blog…damn…). So let me promulgate (heard that word today and hope I am using it the right way) my latest horror and you decide if it’s scary or not…

“Oh no! They are about to break through! Arm yourself!” ordered a “friend” my subconscious had made up. He was my height, name-less, light brown hair, and looked a hell of a lot like Andrew Lincoln (Rick from The Walking Dead and dude from Love Actually). The two of us were the leaders of a “platoon” consisting of misfits armed with an array of around-the-house weapons. We took sanctuary at a local farmers market (yeah, really). The reanimated and decaying bodies were about to break through the walls we had built up around the market to protect ourselves. The war must have been raging for months. Name-less guy and I were emotionless. Our only objective was to keep everyone alive. I peered through a hole in a board blockading one of the many windows to see our enemies approaching over the horizon. It was night; the only light shined off fires burning from exploded cars and wilted stars. Their legs were dragging, black, cold eyes and their gray skin hanging or falling off. Some were missing extremities while some had entrails hanging from their abdomens. They ranged from all ethnicities and age groups. They little half-dead girls were the creepiest (I think that’s a word).

They zombies ripped through our walls like they were tissue paper. The fight for our lives was on; we don’t intend to lose. I watched the KFC colonel (yeah, he was there) blow a hole the size of a football through a zombie’s head with a shotgun. A blond, pregnant woman in overalls swung a bat at another one’s head and painted the wall with spraying zombie blood. I watched a mid-50’s pudgy man smash a half-dead’s head with a cinder block. Name-less and I were back-to-back swinging samurai swords, nun-chucks and axes (don’t ask where they came from or how I knew how to use them, it’s a nightmare, anything’s possible). Our kill-count could have been in the hundreds. We were slicing, dicing, chopping and smashing zombies by the dozen. It looked like a gorier version of that scene in Kill Bill where Uma takes on like 200 henchmen. I was out-numbered and lost all my weapons. They were everywhere, this was it; the end, and zombies were about to rip me apart like a rag doll.

Just as one was about to take his first bite on me Name-less yelled, “Cut!” Laughed to himself and then patted me on the back. “You did well.” Continuing to laugh, “Man, you should have seen your face! Okay everyone that’s a wrap!” All the zombies and civilians stopped as Name-less was laughing at me “Man, I am the best at pranks.” wiping tears from his eyes, half talking to me, and half dismissing himself. I guess this was a totally normal situation for all the characters in my sub-conscience because they all started shaking hands, hugging and pointing at me to laugh (even the football-sized hole head zombie). I guess, in my head, a totally normal prank is to trick your friend into a zombie apocalypse? Sure? I just let the good times roll and went shopping at the farmer’s market (why they hell not, I was already there defending its honor) and started drinking to excess. In fact, I got so drunk in my nightmare that the owners of the market kicked me out for causing a disturbance (even in my nightmares I rule).

This hellish nightmare is far from over also. Jamie was my ride home from the market (I have no idea where she came from) and she was a perfect church girl. She told me she was ashamed to know me or be with me. She was wearing a Sunday summer dress down to her ankles. As we got into the car she kicked my drunk-ass out of the passenger seat so her new boyfriend could ride shotgun. They both lectured me about my life and then drove me to church.

The doorways of the church were some type of portal that turned all the faithful, religious clergy members into colorful, animated, but disfigured followers (kind of like more vibrant versions of people in the Brisk commercials). Anyone who was not a faithful clergy member stayed the same. Guess who was the only one not transformed.

I woke up in a sweat and thought there was someone under my bed. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep after that. I hope that this cycle breaks soon because it would be nice to get some sleep.

Any thoughts, comments or translations of this nightmare are encouraged. Let me know what you think or if you have a similar problem.

Cheers!