-My dad drunkenly crashed through the door at 5am Monday morning. I don’t think he’ll be making it to work in a half hour.
After a usual Sunday night of burning anything in my backyard and a meaty BBQ dinner with loved ones is just where this story begins. The dinner party had been drinking and sharing a good time all afternoon. I guess my friend and my father couldn’t handle the fact that the night was coming to an end and we all had to return to work next morning. It’s like Ferris said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss It.” and those two were going to take these words and run with them tonight.
“Let’s go to AC!” my friend said to my dad (if you haven’t met my father just imagine what a ex-Poison roadie from 1987 looks like in 2011). My dad’s eyes lit up “Oh. Snap.” He says exhaling as the gears in his head start turning with the possibilities of the night unfolding in his mind. “That’s the greatest idea I have ever heard in my life! Let’s do it!” his voice getting louder and faster as if the words can’t escape quickly enough from his mouth “Matt! I love you!…Jamie! Love ya! Good night and don’t wait up!” He jumps out of his chair, runs to his bedroom, does a quick outfit change, grabs my friend, and heads out into the night.
They get into my friends Lotus (he is self-employed and does well for himself) and hit the road. If you ever give my dad a ride anywhere, even down the street, there is a 98% chance he will bring a burnt CD of random songs, eject whatever you have in and replace it with a mix of Danity Kane, Ke$ha, Anberlin, Gin Blossoms, Run DMC and The Format; and this ride is no different. An executive decision was made last-minute, I guess one of them had a moment of clarity from their drunken stupor; and they head to a local casino outside of Philadelphia (Harrah’s in Chester, PA. “Way closer and more economical”-my dad). With the top down, and going an excess of 100 mph on local suburban streets, my father does his normal drive-by catcalling. “Hey! Mrs. Bates (he calls every woman he can Mrs. Bates as if it is his future wife) you want to jump is this Lotus GXT V8 (there is no such thing) and hit the casino with us!” he exclaims over the extremely loud volume level of Anberlin’s “Feel Good Drag” at a red light. She declines. “My God, I am telling you she would look great in jeans in the backyard grilling with us!” he exclaims as the light turns green and my friend floors it. This is just another one of my dad quirks, if he can imagine you in the back yard in jeans and a t-shirt ladies, he is going to invite you over.
They arrive at the casino and immediately get on a packed roulette table. My friend is a hesitant, nervous person, sometimes, by nature but my father exchanges in a quick $40 and starts gambling. “I always play all the birthday’s!” my father exclaims and starts throwing around chips, “Where is one of those long-legged drink girls! Oh, excuse me Mrs. Bates!” as one passes him by. The gods of gambling and forces of fate must have been on their side that night because my father first roll brought him in $200. My father immediately starts thanking his ex-wife and my mother; her birthday came out, “THANK YOU JUL! $200 BIG ONES! I LOVE YOUR BIRTHDAY!” They say the first hand will determine the night so you can imagine that this night was just getting started. After that their confidence level went through the roof and their Rockefeller persona took over. “Hey cheeks! Get over her!” my friend flashes an eyebrow raise and thumb-index finger “shooter” combo, accompanied by the click sound you make when you see a horse, “Get us a few Jack-n-Cokes, couple beers and few shots of something nice. Thanks Hun.”
My dads luck kept rolling but the dealer wasn’t happy, “Two people can’t play the chips, stop consulting each other.” He said to my dad who turned to him and replied “No problem but remember you’re working on a tip here boyfriend.” He turns to my friend and says, “Ok, if you hit here I’ll break you off whatever you win and you can play with that money.” My dad then got up and went to the bathroom but as he was walking away said, “But you have to play the birthdays!” Once again I guess luck was on their side because my friend did win. My father returned to a mountain of chips and exclaims, “What did you do! What did you play? Did a birthday come out?” To which my friend replied, “No! I saw a big-boobed waitress and I played what I thought her jug-size was and it came out! 33!”
The night went on like this and at about 1am they boys felt like it was time to pack in it and head home. On the way to cash out my dad decided he wanted to play a horse and my friend wasn’t stopping him. He bet on a horse, they got drinks and calmed down to watch the race. As soon as it started my father could tell that his pick wasn’t going to win and gave the ticket to my friend. After the horse lost and my dad finished slurring curse words at the Jamaican guy sitting next to him my friend tapped my dad on the shoulder and said “I think you won?” My father looked at my friend and took the ticket “No, we lost man. Let me show you how to read this boyfriend.” My dad looked at the ticket and his eyes went wide, “Holy shit! We watched the wrong race! We were rooting for the wrong horse! I won!” Once again the gambling gods were on their side. My dad now hugging the Jamaican guy next to him and grabbing random people exclaiming he won, again, they then cashed out.
After all the excitement the boys had been experiencing they finally left the casino around 1:30 in the morning. Getting back into my friend’s car my dad must have had a second wind rustle through his hair. “You know, the nights still young Tex.” My dad said to my friend with a new spark in his eye. “Strip club?” my friend replies as my dad exclaims, “You read my mind!”
They enter the closest, most dive, strip club Delaware County can offer and the place is empty (it’s a Sunday night). They get a couple of drinks and get front row seats in front of the pole, which I guess can be pretty easy if you are the only two patrons. One of the girls on a smoke-break outside notices the car. “Whose little yellow car is that?” stripper-one asked them “It’s ours, we are doing a tiny thing down town for the diamond convention, we are diamond merchants from Nevada (believe it or not these two have used this line before, successfully, I swear, I don’t know how they did it but it worked), no big deal.” my dad tells her, “You want to see it?” The whole party (my dad, my friend and anonymous strippers) went outside to have a parking lot party around the Lotus which ended with my friend getting strippers numbers, lewd acts, my dad giving his number out like Halloween candy and closing out the bar.
At 2:30am my dad and friend successfully got the strippers to follow them back to the casino they had come from to continue gambling and drinking; this night is still young yet. They walk back into the casino, hammered, (these two are going on almost 9 hours of alcohol) and pick up where they left off (this time with strippers accompanying them). Before they get back to the tables my dad decides to start messing with all the homeless people asleep near the hotel lobby. He starts sitting next to these sleeping people and pretends he is asleep in all kinds of weird positions and pretend-snoring as loudly as possible while my friend takes pictures.
After another hour or 2 of winning, and the strippers falling asleep at the table the boys decide it really is time to head home and end the night. With a couple extra hundred dollars in their pockets and one hell of a story my friend turned to my father and said, “Where to my man?” To which my father replied with his ever so famous line, “East of the moon. West of the stars.”
Cheers!
themanliestdolphin 